Ugh, Not Love again…

I titled this collection “Ugh, Not Love again…” because I wrote these poems at a point when I couldn’t take the push and pull of Capital L — Love. Going through the motions, I was winded at the intensity that Love brings and stunned by the feelings left in its wake. While frustrated with the constant theme of love, these are the ramblings of a scared, hopeless romantic, who uses cynicism as her disguise.

—

The Day The Universe Sung

things weren’t perfect when I met you

but I could've did fine. 

at least that's what I thought. 

things start to seem better where you are when you’re too scared to peek over the fence

too scared to speak because of “what ifs?” 

what if I can't trust you

what if you don't love me

will you still want me even if I'm ugly 

what if you hurt me 

I know I'll end up hurting you 

it's just too hard 

can we just say that we’re through? 

I could've been fine 

I would've been fine

had I not met you? 

but one night 

under a moonlit sky 

we both peeked over the fence

without ever asking why

and as we drifted off into the night

the moon danced & sung 

oozing aahhs 

as it admired itself in our eyes 

and as the crickets strung their strings 

and started the orchestra 

we filled the stage with words of love

and opened our hearts so that they too

could dance and sing with one anotha’

we sung sweet songs of sorrow 

and played in the dark 

like children of the night 

with fire in our hearts 

I let you love me 

you were open and warm 

you can trust me 

I won't cause you no harm 

it wasn’t fine 

it could’ve, would’ve never been

if I didn’t peek over the fence

I would've never danced

with you, serenaded by the moon 

and the crickets and the trees 

accompanied by the melodic breeze 

things weren’t perfect 

and I fell in love with you that night

when everything made music

and it all felt so right 

just fine

—

Want you?

I’ve been wanting you 

And it’s been too long 

and knowing that you don't want me

as much as I want you,

I can't keep living in your shadow 

for the off chance that you'll turn around and realize I've been here all along

all alone

maybe I don't love you as much as I thought I did

maybe you can find someone who loves you enough 

Lord knows I could wait

I would wait

I would wait all eternity 

for your love

I will have a bleeding heart, one that only beats for you

but with every beat

I lose more of me

I am willing to lose myself in the waiting for you

in wanting you

I am willing to be devastatingly in love with you

a tortured soul

and the aching love I have for you, my poison

I chose to release myself 

from the burden

but it's funny,

because I am still a tortured soul

that is still devastatingly in love with you

only now my poison is having to live with the wanting of our love

without you

—

Not Tonight

there is no poetry I can write of our love tonight

no words I can put on paper 

to describe these aching pains and fever 

no more songs to sing over our loves grave 

the lyrics have dried 

much like the flowers we left behind 

poetry won't do its justice tonight

words have lost all purpose and meaning 

all I have for us tonight 

all I have to record the story of our love, 

is silence 

the absence of a love, too true to know any of its flaws

and too passionate to know its limits 

yes, I think I prefer the silence tonight 

and maybe a single tear or two 

things won't be made right

there's no poetry to be written tonight

no more beautiful words left to write 

silence is preferred 

for our love

gone too soon

not yet started

over too quick 

with so few words written 

there will be no poetry tonight

so in this silence 

we just kiss and say goodbye

—

That Thing

I did that thing again

where I believed love was so coveted, 

it was not allowed to me 

where I thought that love was so far out of my reach 

idealizing a dream 

that even if it was right in front of my face 

it became unrecognizable to me 

so far out of my reach 

when I encountered it I thought 

this can't be the real thing

I did that thing again 

where I believed so highly in our love 

I disgraced its flaws 

I push you away because 

this can't be love ..

right ? 

what could we really offer one another ? 

two hearts scared of what their love might do to the other. 

and because we both know love is a losing game 

we won’t do that thing again