Leaky Kitchen Faucet

“Leaky Kitchen Faucet” is a piece that I wrote upon reflection of myself. I am a person who does not allow herself to appear vulnerable yet desperately wants someone to easily spot when something is wrong. Over the years I’ve realized that I can often read people quite well and have set somewhat the same standards to those around me, which doesn’t come naturally to other people. This is perfectly reasonable; however, when I was younger, I became frustrated that people weren’t able to read me as easily and ask what was wrong. I wanted to explore this idea of vulnerability through a narrative style that puts the reader in the headspace of the narrator. I discovered that the best way to go about doing this was to tell it like a conversation, and allow the dictation feature on Google Docs to pick up everything: the stumbles, the filler words, and the colloquial word usage. Editing was really just to condense and adapt it best for the written medium, but this is best read aloud. Perhaps this is a first step in a mile for me to open myself up more, and what better way to do so than through presenting it to a faceless audience.

So I came in the door the other day and she came in and everything is fine, you know, I had a bad day and it's fine--it's all fine--I mean nothing is really fine but would I admit that it's not fine? No, of course not.

Anyways she came in, she said hi, I say hi, you know, basic conversation starters.

Then she went ‘How was your day?’ and, you know, I say it's fine 'cuz, you know, it's fine and everything is fine, you know, I mean--it--there's nothing that's really fine but I'm just going to say it's fine because I'm not going to be--no, I'm not, I'm not going to tell her that it's not fine 'cuz, you know, that’d be complaining and I'm not really comfortable telling her that something is wrong or something is amiss because I don't want to do that, you know?

And then she's like ‘Oh well what happened?’ and then I said ‘Nothing it's fine,’ and then she came over, but it's not really fine, and she asked ‘What actually happened?’ and it's--I’m like ‘No, it's fine’--how--I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna tell her that it's not fine, you know, 'cuz it's--I mean--it isn't fine but it's like, you know, I can't tell her that 'cuz she's going to try to pester me about it--it’s not really a pester--but she's going to pester me about it anyways and it's not worth it.

So she kept pushing and I kept saying it's fine and then she asked me ‘Why won't you tell me? I'm your--oh I’m your--I know you, you know me, we're friends aren't we? And I love you. Why can't you tell me how you're feeling?’ as if she doesn't understand why I wouldn't, and I told her it's because it's all fine and I turned and I walked away, and she came running up to me and just like--she’s all crying and her face is scrunched up and her hands are balled into fists and she's like ‘Why won't you tell me?’ and they're not sad tears, they’re angry tears; it's 'cuz she's all frustrated and her cheeks are all flushed up and I say ‘Because it's fine’--I mean it's not--and she goes “No it's not, tell me” and then I told her “No, it's fine,” and, you know, I wouldn’t have, and I probably should NOT have done that but I can't have anyone know; I want--I want so badly to tell her it's not fine, it's not and it's never been fine.

You know, I've been cooped up in this hole and I can't--I know, it's a bad habit to just keep it to yourself and,

You know,

Just act like everything is fine--I don't know--I just,

You know,

I don't know if it's just because I want someone to ask and beg--maybe not beg but, you know, just sit and try to pry and ask me, ‘What's wrong?’ 'cuz I feel like I do that to people but at the same time, you know, not a lot of people do that to me and I get it anyways I'm throwing a pity party.

But she threw up her hands and she’s raising her voice and I'm yelling and screaming and--well not screaming but I'm definitely yelling--and she's just--she thinks that I'm keeping secrets from her and obviously I wouldn't keep a secret from her and I wouldn't even count this as a secret 'cuz it's just my business and she doesn't have to be in it--and I told her ‘Hey, you know, it's my problem,’ and she said ‘It's not, please just tell me--you know you would do that to me, you would tell me--if I had an issue and I was upset, you'd keep asking me what was wrong and you’d keep--you’d keep trying to get me to tell you so you could comfort me.’

And then I snapped at her. I know, I shouldn't have snapped, but I was--I don't know--it--it's like, I was--I was so sad, and this is self-sabotage or whatever and I get that, I know, I know I was stupid, I was just protecting myself, and I was like ‘Okay yeah, but we're not talking about you, we’re talking about me.’

And she--she was like ‘Megan, come on, you can't say that’ and I said ‘Yes I can, it's my problem and I'll fix it’ and then there was silence and I was clenching my fists and I was starting to cry and I hate crying because I just, I wanted to feel okay again and I didn't want her--I wanted her to ask me what was wrong and wanted, like, people to really care about me and I know she does but I don't know.

And she saw me.

And she stopped.

She put her hands down 'cuz her arms were up.

And everything stood still.

I'm sobbing over here and I just couldn't keep it in any longer.

So I'm looking down and I start bawling my eyes out; they're these big huge giant tears pouring out of my eyes and my snot is everywhere,

And she just came over,

And just hugged me.

And she just held onto me for such a long time.

And it was the first time that I really felt loved.

Which is odd because, you know, we're in the middle of a kitchen, and the sink and the tap aren't working well and there’s the dripping water in the background and the buzzing of, like, an old electric light hanging up so it's not even like a pretty--see, it's not like a warm old bulb Rustic Kitchen color look, it's just harsh fluorescent lighting and a sink that just leaks all the time and it kind of smells like the dish soap that you can get at the Dollar Store.

But it was the best thing in the world.

Just to be held.