A Reckoning…

I haven’t thought about what life is, or what it isn’t

But I’ve acknowledged time and time again just how unbearable it can be, how profuse the struggles seemingly appear, how stressful it is in nature, how abundantly depressing it can be

But no, I haven’t thought about what life is.

I haven’t thought about how symphonic God has created it to be, how He purposely intended the beauty to be magnified through the chaos.

I never considered how our dirty oceans sit so peacefully where they lie

I never doubted that the sun would wake up and paint the sky

I never noticed how the tall trees miss us so much that they let their leaves fall to meet us

I never wondered how we could show love to people, even the ones we don’t trust

I never cared for the itchy grass’s green pigment that stood as a canvas for all colors imaginable

I never dissected the fact that God’s love is unfathomable

I never realized the baby’s unlearned laugh, which starts so small but rings forever in our ears

I never understood how such intense happiness could end with so many tears

I never appreciated the never-ending smile that came without permission but was always happily accepted

I never knew that love and support could come after being painfully rejected

I never understood the gaze of love that so sharply pierced the soul of its prey

I never hated the tranquility that followed from a long, long rainy day

I never asked for the laughter that made my knees submit to the ground 

I never thought the words “I love you” could possibly be my favorite sound

I never denied the joy gifted from God that carried my feet gracefully along the waves He created

But I also never knew what exactly we hated…

We never wished for a mother’s painful cry as she closed the eyes of her children

We never thought we’d see their last goodbyes written on the paper with the blue pen

We never wanted to create a seat at the table for the hate that so comfortably commanded this Earth

We never prayed for such misery to follow our miraculous birth

We never sent our loved ones to meet the moon in the sky

We never knew there was pain, even when we didn't cry

We never told our bodies to hunger for food we couldn’t get

We never knew our traumas would make it harder to establish the boundaries we couldn’t set

We never asked to live in a home in which love didn’t exist

We never imagined we’d see the day in which birds didn’t chirp with bliss

We never thought the blood from our wrist could feel warmer than the hug from a friend

We never thought that this life that made us so happy, we could ever wish to end

I always knew, though, that I couldn’t understand it…

But something told me that I wasn’t supposed to

He told me to trust Him, and to do so blindly…

Then open your hearts, it is there that you will find me

So maybe I have thought about what life is, and I don’t even know why

Because as much as we smile, we equally cry

But is the answer so desirable to obtain

I think it's the life we actually live, that is worth what we gain