Learning Love

Mama never told me what love was like

She never told me it was something I could have,

Never told me it was something I could grab

So I never thought about it.

I mean, why waste my life yearning for something that was never meant to be mine

Something that would completely and utterly waste my time,

Especially when Mama did fine.

She didn’t need a man to yell at us, 

Her masculinity was more than loud enough.

The world put its weight on her shoulders without her permission

And it took her soft femininity as its unrightful commission.

When she wanted to be soft, the fear had already set in long before

Because Mama became what she had to be. A vessel filled with rage and ready for war

“Mama, why are you so cold?”

I wondered carelessly

How stupid and naive was I to be

“You’d better find love before you grow old”

But Mama said goodbye to love, 

The sad story her eyes told.

I know Mama wants to be young, wild, and free, 

But how free can you be when you’re in love with someone.

She never had to tell me about love though cause I could see it in her eyes

They glistened with sorrows and with tears that had dried

“Mama, are you happy right now?” I wish I could know
But it might be selfish to think all that hurt you could outgrow

Why couldn’t I grow up faster so I could understand her pain?

She took it out on me anyway, so I really can’t complain

So I only got the cold mama, 

The one that was angry and hurt, 

And when you asked where daddy was, 

I’d watch her quickly divert

Where was Daddy though? Cause I know I could’ve used one

Maybe he could’ve taught me about love and where it was from

Where was the protection when I needed it most, 

Instead my body laid open, 

Like a fragile and timid host

My skin was marked, the territory of many, 

Then all of a sudden the pain of their touch became so heavy

How could I reconcile with the desires inside me,

Because although I shriveled at their touch, 

I thought at least their warmth never denied me

Maybe I wouldn’t have felt such satisfaction if I knew the comfort of a daddy-daughter dance

Or maybe I’d have my voice if angry mama gave me a chance

Daddy, why did your role have to be so essential?

Why couldn’t Mama’s anger just take that space?

You were plagued by your pride, 

So your daughter was sadly replaced.

Now I have to find love on my own

Although it’s still unlearned

Given my lack of example, 

Maybe I should feel concerned

Where do I look?

And how can I even trust men

Because the ones that were supposed to protect me 

Ended up being the ones I condemn

So now I walk around, arms to my chest, 

And although I’m a hopeless romantic, 

My fear keeps that feeling suppressed

I can be vulnerable though and we can explore 

I said I’m an open book but you have to read chapter one to get to chapter four 

So learn my words before you fall in love with my skin

Because my depth is infinite but my surface is thin

Mama, I’m learning love, 

This thing that you miss, 

But unfortunately for you, 

I don’t think Daddy ever felt this

Nevertheless, you are both special to me, 

Subpar teachers though and I think we can agree

Mama, you’re beautiful, with your feminine rage,

And your love for me is soothing as we turn this new page

And Daddy, I forgive you or at least that’s my goal

But promise me you’ll realize the power you have to console

You were were both learning and we are bound to make mistakes

So let your lesson be learned, and carry them until you ache

I’m still learning love and I’m happy to do so

Mama and Daddy will be where I start 

And remember, all good things come from those who take it slow.